Ask Doug 3

Originally written by Doug on 31 May 2005.
I would first like to start out by saying that all three articles were written today instead of doing work. I plan on completing only 45 minutes of actual work today, and after you subtract lunch, it comes down to about 15 minutes. Secondly, i want you to know how (little/much, you decide) i have enjoyed answering your questions. Please continue to write as it will give me something to do.

Question from Sally:
Hey, how do you tie a guy’s tie? My bf won’t teach me!!

Answer: Do you just want to know? or do you have something kinky in mind? Well, either way, you do it like this (to the tune of the hokie-pokie (sp?)): You put the short end in, you have the long end out, you wrap the long end around and you shake it all about. You wrap it once again and you fold it inside-out, that’s how you tie a tie! Or just go to http://www.howtotieatie.com (i bet that exists) (crap, it doesn’t) or http://www.tie-a-tie.net/ (yes, this one exists).

Question from Somebody:
how do you avoid getting caught sleeping at work? i saw your message in the forum…

Answer: Its really quite simple, actually. My job consists of computer programming (supposedly) using a program called Visual Basic (6, .NET, 2005) and a couple of database programs (Access, SQL Server) and some internet data mining. This means, at any one time, i’ll have about 6 to 10 windows open on my computer. So, i come up with this. A simple VB6 program randomly alt-tab’s my desktop to another exciting program every 1:8 seconds, giving the appearance that i am working while in fact i am sleeping. The program consists of oh say, one timer, and 4 lines of code:

Private Sub Timer1_Timer()
i = Int(Rnd * 8) + 1
SendKeys “%{TAB ” & Str(i) & “}”
Timer1.Interval = i * 1000
End Sub

Good luck with your sleeping at work “Somebody”!

Question from George:
How was your dream? How did the melatonin work last night?

Answer: Well now this was a new experience. According to http://www.melatonin.com : “Melatonin is the all-natural nightcap. It’s secreted by the pineal gland, a pea-size structure at the center of the brain, as our eyes register the fall of darkness.” I took one of these pills last night and i will now relay to you the dream that ensued.

Allow me to set the scene: Herndon Festival is now being held at Herndon High School for security reasons. 10ft fences with barbed wire have been placed around the new fair grounds located in the back of the school. Adrian, Marcus, George and I were all sitting on a bench after track practice and Adrian, being the dumb*ss that he is tried to climb over the fence to get a basketball left on the football field. I got a close-up of his fingernail as the razor wire split his fingernails. Fat Corbin came by and pulled Vigil down (and beat him with a club) and we went back to sitting. George pointed out that there was a door in the fence and opened it. I ran out to the middle of the field to get the basketball which turned out to be a chipotle burrito basket. All the sudden it was day again and some really fat people were running around the track and the gym teacher (drill sergeant) was shooting the joggers with a shotgun.

Then i woke up and the clock said 6:26 when in fact it was closer to 5:15. In conclusion, Melatonin is a mind altering drug which leads to time warps and a reoccurring vision of splitting fingernails. Avoid this drug at all costs!

There’s your stinkin’ article. 3 for 3 baby!