Ask Doug Returns

Originally written by Doug on 04 Aug 2004.
No time for introductions, for those of you not familiar with this series, please refer to the “Ask Doug Vol. 1″ (or whatever it was called). One week off, and the mail has been piling up. I’ve picked the ones with money hanging out, so let’s get started.

Question Number 1: What was the best thing about going to Wegman’s tonight? (sorry it’s a crappy question- i’ll think of a better one later)
Answer: You are correct. That was a crappy question. I have yet to receive your follow-up, b*tch.

Question Number 2: Dougo, do these pants make me look fat?
Answer: It is in your ego’s best interest that I refrain from answering.

Question Number 3: Yo Doug, who is more scum? American immigrants who do not speak a lick of English, or fat people? Keep on truckin.
Answer: This is a very good question.

While America has no official language, I believe it goes without saying that you limit your own opportunities by not learning English. Sure, I get pissed off when I can’t order a meal at a fast food joint now and again. I think everyone has experienced some sort of misunderstanding. However, I remind you that generally when I speak to very southern Americans, I don’t understand them either. This brings about the smile and nod approach to communication. A general rule of thumb would be, if you can’t understand them, tune them out. If this means denying them urgent medical care, or a hamburger at Wendy’s, I say go for it. If they don’t adapt I suppose it is their loss. Its not that they are scum, they are just crappy human beings. I pity them in a completely unconstructive way.

Fat people indeed are scum. Now you won’t see me writing 10 articles for gimme-five about Atkins or fat people, but that’s because I don’t write articles. Fat people truly are the scum of the earth. Especially American fat people. I’m not referring to the 211 lbs(?) Benjamin Ingham body type, nor am I referring to the Sinclair Seavey belly. I’m talkin about straight up, rat soup eatin FAT PEOPLE.

Let me give you some simple scenarios, and see if you come to the same conclusion. Marcus, I know you’ve been through some of these in Mass, so pay attention.

1) You are on a bus/subway. You legs are tired from doin hookers all day and you want to sit down. There are two seats left on the bus/train. One next to a guy who doesn’t speak English, and the other next to a fat lady, who’s rolls overflow into the open seat leaving only half of it exposed. Which do you choose?

2) You need cheap labor. Cheaper than minimum wage in fact. The job involves heavy labor, and needs to be completed quickly (before the cops show up). Two people respond to your wanted ad in the Herndon Connection, a non english speaker, and a fat guy. Whom do you choose?

A final though I had when coming up with that last scenario, I tend not to see American immigrants who are fat. I suppose my hypothesis would be that they get enough exercise running away from cops and customs… But hey, not a sermon, just a thought.

That’ll do it for this episode. Once I receive enough “sweetened” emails, I’ll post again. Until then, put yo weight on it for the Disco Godfather!

-Doug