Ask Doug: Week ??

Originally written by Doug on 17 Aug 2004.
Do you ever get the feeling you’re not wearing any pants? If so, rush over to the gimme-five store and pick up a dog shirt to cover that wiener of yours. For this weeks edition, i’m gonna try and tackle some easy, slam dunk questions. I’ve spent the last 3 seconds sorting though all three of the questions you asked to give you three worthless answers.

First Question: Doug, why do people seem to bother George so much? People yell at him running and now biking. Is it because all of those people are fat and jealous of him exercizing? Or is it because George deserves to be made fun of?
Answer: George, you bring it upon yourself. Being annoyed is what motivates us to write, but not to read that crap. What I’m trying to say is… I don’t have time for this.

Second Question: Why are black comedians so much funnier than white comedians? Keep it truckin, whitey.
Answer: White comedians can only talk about rednecks while black comedians can talk about whatever the hell they want, and be hilarious. I think it’s genetic. Point and case, Dave Chappelle. P.S. I hear he got 40 mill for 2 more seasons of his self titled show. P.P.S. I hate white people.

Third Question: Hey, one of my close friends asked me to go see the village with him. Is he asking me out on a date? I don’t think this is a very date-like movie?? I want to go out with him but I dont know what he wants. Thanks!!
Answer: Not that you care anymore, because you did write this question about 2 weeks ago. But, because I am under contract, allow me to do a professional profiling of your “guy” friend.

Chuck Norris “Guy” Friend Profile:
Alpha Rating: 7.3
Delta Score: 2.3
Theta Range: 88-92

Thank you, Chuck Norris.

And now for a little in depth explanation of the CNGF Profile. Now this model assumes your guy friend either has proficiency in ladder-jumping or wife-beating. For the sake of argument, lets just say your friend is familiar with the former, instead of the latter. This suggests, based on empirical evidence, that he most certainly wants to hook up with you (close Alpha rating to 8). However, his Delta score, or his “will” to hook up may be quite low. Now, I would need a bit more information to accurately asses the psyche of your guy friend, but a useful indicator is how he asked. Did he ask you to go to the movie online, on the phone, in person (alone), or in person (in a group)? I would suggest going to this movie to see how interested he truly is. When you get to the theater, did he pay for you, where did you sit (front row, deep back), did the popcorn have a funny taste? Unless your guy friend is unstable, nothing will happen on the first night. Chances are he is testing the waters. I suggest boiling his hands off. But if you to like this guy, as more than a friend, please, don’t kick him in the head. A good rule of thumb is, if a guy has an ego, it is because his head has swelled from the blunt force trauma of being kicked in the head. For more information, please view, www.intellectualwhores.com.

That’s all for this week, tune in, in two weeks, and miss next weeks’ episode of, ASK DOUG!