A Tribute to the Daring Dragoon

In eighteen-hundred-one the Revolution had been won
And Uncle Sam’s favorite son had a job he needed done
Which brought Jack to a lady, both beautiful and smart
Who found his mix intriguing—a scoundrel with a heart!

From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli
There was never a leatherneck braver, a Daring Dragoon is he
He’ll halt the bold advance of Napoleon’s attack
There ain’t a French or pirate rogue who don’t know Jack!

From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli
Sailin’ round the bloody world to defend democracy
And when ya need a fightin’ man ya’d trust to watch yer back
Just ask the bloke right next ta ya—it’s… Jack!

I just finished watching the last episode of Jack of All Trades, an absolutely wonderful TV series that began in 1999 and lasted a season and a half. There is no doubt in my mind that these were the greatest twenty two episodes of a TV series I have ever seen.

Jack of All Trades starred Bruce Campbell as Jack Stiles and Angela Dotchin as Emilia Rothschild. Although I don’t know much about Dotchin, Campbell is best known for being a B-movie king, starring in films such as Army of Darkness while constantly spewing one liners.

Jack of All Trades is set in post-revolutionary times. Jack is an American secret agent who is sent to the French island of Palau-Palau to work with Emilia to stop French threats to the world. Throughout the show, Jack thwarts the French by dressing in Emilia’s undergarmets as The Daring Dragoon, a very overpatriotic Americanized version of Zorro, with comparable sword fighting abilities. His costume enables him to fool everyone in Palau-Palau into thinking he is not Jack, except for Emilia of course. His main enemy is governor Croque, although sometimes he faces Napoleon, played by Verne Troyer (Mini-me).

Jack’s encounters with Napoleon are priceless. While playing a card game with Napoleon for the deed to the Louisiana territory, Napoleon tries to intimidate Jack, who is currently dressed in disguise as the Dragoon. While initially frightened, Jack remembers that Emilia advised him earlier, when afraid, just imagine Napoleon in his underpants. Instead, Jack imagines Emilia in her undergarmets, who tells him to stop staring at her. Then, he turns to Napoleon, and says: “You come here to gab or play cards? Now sit down, before I spank you.” He wins the hand by having five of a kind (with a Joker, of course), then throws money to the governor to pay for a broken window he escapes through just seconds later.

This show has it all: one-liners, action, a really fat Ben Franklin who can’t stop eating, pirates, historical inacuracies, and more. So if you’re tired of seeing the same old stuff on TV, you should definitely go out and buy the recently released Jack of All Trades DVD. Peace out!