Originally written by Doug on 31 May 2005.
Lets get right to the meat of this cow…

Question from: Stupid (i’m already thinking the name might answer the question)
The other day I asked my girlfriend to get in a catfight with this other girl, and instead she got mad at me and now it’s more likely that she’ll fight me than another girl. I really want to see a catfight though. Help me!

Answer: Catfighting is illegal in all 50 states and the District of Columbia, and the federal Animal Welfare Act (2003 i think) prohibits the interstate transportation of cats, girls, or whatever you call them these days, for fighting purposes. Forty-seven states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands have made catfighting a felony offense. Forty-five states, the District of Columbia, and the Virgin Islands prohibit the possession of cats for fighting. And “Stupid”, this is for you; 48 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands prohibit being a spectator at a catfight.

Question from: Dan Ansel
#1- hey doug, what you do you think about the guy that shot all of those people in the courtroom in atlanta and got away yesterday? is he the first person to ever make an escape like that?

Originally written by George on 04 Mar 2005.
Yes, it’s been quite some time since someone asked questions to gimme-five to answer, mostly because this used to be called “Ask Doug,” and Doug never took the time to answer questions so people stopped asking them. Anyways, here go the questions:

Question 1: Where should I go to meet guys? I broke up with my boyfriend a while ago and I have had the hardest time meeting guys. Mostly its because all the guys I hang out with are my friends and I don’t want to date a friend.

Answer: Well, I can’t answer this with humor, so I’ll try to answer it satisfactory-like. Just go wherever you would go normally, and do things that interest you. Eventually you’ll run into a guy that has the same interests as you and it will be a lot better off than going somewhere where “guys are just likely to be,” and meeting some guy whose passions are eating roadkill and then pretending he doesn’t eat it.

Question 2: I just found out my girlfriend had been seeing another guy over the summer while we were both away at school. I’m ticked off, but I don’t want to break up with her, what should I do? She doesn’t know that I know yet.

Originally written by George on 23 Dec 2004.
Question 1: Did Doug do survivor or did he just lose his razor?
For those of you who do not know Doug, or have not seen him in a long time, he currently has a lot of facial hair. Although there is no picture on file of him with all this hair, I did some touching up to a picture of him and my good friend Jessica.

Anyways, Doug was not in survivor, he is a guinea pig for a hair growth laboratory. They shoot him with lasers and he grows hair like crazy. It’s the opposite of that hair removal stuff.

Question 2: Where can I buy George’s pimp coat?

Well, if by pimp you mean I’m incredibly socially awkward, then yes, you have described my coat, or “blazer” as I like to call it, correctly. You can find one at your local thrift store. I bought it for four dollars.

Originally written by Doug on 17 Aug 2004.
Do you ever get the feeling you’re not wearing any pants? If so, rush over to the gimme-five store and pick up a dog shirt to cover that wiener of yours. For this weeks edition, i’m gonna try and tackle some easy, slam dunk questions. I’ve spent the last 3 seconds sorting though all three of the questions you asked to give you three worthless answers.

First Question: Doug, why do people seem to bother George so much? People yell at him running and now biking. Is it because all of those people are fat and jealous of him exercizing? Or is it because George deserves to be made fun of?
Answer: George, you bring it upon yourself. Being annoyed is what motivates us to write, but not to read that crap. What I’m trying to say is… I don’t have time for this.

Second Question: Why are black comedians so much funnier than white comedians? Keep it truckin, whitey.
Answer: White comedians can only talk about rednecks while black comedians can talk about whatever the hell they want, and be hilarious. I think it’s genetic. Point and case, Dave Chappelle. P.S. I hear he got 40 mill for 2 more seasons of his self titled show. P.P.S. I hate white people.

Originally written by Doug on 04 Aug 2004.
No time for introductions, for those of you not familiar with this series, please refer to the “Ask Doug Vol. 1″ (or whatever it was called). One week off, and the mail has been piling up. I’ve picked the ones with money hanging out, so let’s get started.

Question Number 1: What was the best thing about going to Wegman’s tonight? (sorry it’s a crappy question- i’ll think of a better one later)
Answer: You are correct. That was a crappy question. I have yet to receive your follow-up, b*tch.

Question Number 2: Dougo, do these pants make me look fat?
Answer: It is in your ego’s best interest that I refrain from answering.

Question Number 3: Yo Doug, who is more scum? American immigrants who do not speak a lick of English, or fat people? Keep on truckin.
Answer: This is a very good question.