CAT | Advice
Originally written by Doug on 31 May 2005.
Let’s bust a cap in this janx, shall we?
Question from: George
How are you celebrating gimme-five’s second birthday? Also, what is your PR in the beer mile?
Answer: I was having a party with General Lee from beyond the grave which consisted of me running a beer mile in a PR of 3:35.14 (hand timed)
Question from: man hater
i know sometimes your relationship questions are pretty simply answered, but i’ve got a tough one for ya. i have been dating this guy ( we’ll call him bob) for over a year. Bob and I were high school sweet hearts, but now he attends Virginia Tech. He recently broke up with me. He said that it was because we fight a lot ( which i dont think we do) and that even though “he loves me very much and i mean everything to him” he thinks we would both be happier if we weren’t together anymore. It sounds like to me he is trying to give me the brush off in a way that i wont quite as hurt but he says that once we are both in a better place we’ll be back together and “everything will be fine”…..i need a man’s opinion….thanks a bunch
Answer: I know at this point it doesn’t really matter anymore, but for future reference i will attempt an answer. Let me first note “Bob”‘s fatal flaw; he went to Virginia Tech. nuff said.
On the off chance that you are in high school (if you are in fact female, call 571-239-4250. CAUTION: VERY POTENT! 
), your situation is nothing short of normal. Now, you have to understand that college is a life changing event for the majority of people. On the whole, i find that even the meekest of high schoolers can turn into the wildest of party animals, so i wouldn’t be surprised if Mr. Bob has made it with 20 some girls within a period of 5 minutes. So his reaction to break up is very natural and should not be perceived as a shrug-off, but more as a protection for you (unless you want to see the photos).
If by chance you are also in college, the case may be the same as above, however, another possibility also applies. He may honestly have feelings for you but doesn’t know how to cope with the distance issue. He should have communicated over a period of time this concern if he were truly honest.
Bottom Line: There are more fish in the sea. If it turns out you two are truly meant for each other, you’ll know after dating some random fools. And if all else fails, you can call that number i gave in the high school section…
Last Question from: your secret admirer
As the sexiest member of gimme-five, how come you don’t write much anymore?
Thanks for the complement, George. Well, i’m writing now, so PAY ME B*#@%!
Originally written by Doug on 31 May 2005.
Lets get right to the meat of this cow…
Question from: Stupid (i’m already thinking the name might answer the question)
The other day I asked my girlfriend to get in a catfight with this other girl, and instead she got mad at me and now it’s more likely that she’ll fight me than another girl. I really want to see a catfight though. Help me!
Answer: Catfighting is illegal in all 50 states and the District of Columbia, and the federal Animal Welfare Act (2003 i think) prohibits the interstate transportation of cats, girls, or whatever you call them these days, for fighting purposes. Forty-seven states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands have made catfighting a felony offense. Forty-five states, the District of Columbia, and the Virgin Islands prohibit the possession of cats for fighting. And “Stupid”, this is for you; 48 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands prohibit being a spectator at a catfight.
Question from: Dan Ansel
#1- hey doug, what you do you think about the guy that shot all of those people in the courtroom in atlanta and got away yesterday? is he the first person to ever make an escape like that?
#2- i need a good idea for a fundraiser for a club at my school. do you hjave any good ideas?
Answer (for #1): What the hell are you smoking, do you think I remember that? What was yesterday for you looks like 2 months and 18 days ago to me. All i know is that if i were to attempt such a feat (1992 New York, 1995 Washington (State), May 2000 Okalahoma, June 2000 Texas (i had an itch that year), 2001 Richmond), I wouldn’t get caught…
Answer (for #2): Something that i always look for in a fundraiser is A) Cost to myself, and B) profit potential, in that order. So the key is, come up with an idea that has little or no embarrassment/time commitment to yourself, but makes the most money. May i suggest, if this is a coed club, a fundraiser where the hot girls in the club give me their numbers and i give the club a cut of gimme-five’s advertising profits.
1 down, about 2.00014 articles to go…
Next article: I’ll visit Ask Doug questions from April to near current.
Originally written by George on 23 Dec 2004.
Question 1: Did Doug do survivor or did he just lose his razor?
For those of you who do not know Doug, or have not seen him in a long time, he currently has a lot of facial hair. Although there is no picture on file of him with all this hair, I did some touching up to a picture of him and my good friend Jessica.
Anyways, Doug was not in survivor, he is a guinea pig for a hair growth laboratory. They shoot him with lasers and he grows hair like crazy. It’s the opposite of that hair removal stuff.
Question 2: Where can I buy George’s pimp coat?
Well, if by pimp you mean I’m incredibly socially awkward, then yes, you have described my coat, or “blazer” as I like to call it, correctly. You can find one at your local thrift store. I bought it for four dollars.
Question 3: Would it be moral of Bush to create a new cabinet position: “Secretary of Steel” to which he could nominate Arnold and send him to terminate liberal leaders such as Jack Chirac? …Or would this be copyright infringment?
That’s a difficult question to answer. Many countries and businesses actually have a “secretary of steel,” however, it is usually related to recycling steel (thank you, google). Even so, it’s better to reuse than just destroy. Maybe if Arnold ripped off body parts of different leaders around the world and within the US and put them all together, we would have a super-president. Not only would he be a really freaky looking guy, he would have the best qualities of liberals and conservatives! I say we execute operation Franken-President immediately.
On the topic of Arnold, however, I am really disappointed that there is not going to be a Terminator 4. I can’t believe they’re just going to leave me hanging with the ending of T3. I just saw that movie the other day.
Anyways, thanks for the questions. If I had any money I’d send you a gimme-five visor to thank you for asking them.
Peace out,
George
Originally written by Doug on 17 Aug 2004.
Do you ever get the feeling you’re not wearing any pants? If so, rush over to the gimme-five store and pick up a dog shirt to cover that wiener of yours. For this weeks edition, i’m gonna try and tackle some easy, slam dunk questions. I’ve spent the last 3 seconds sorting though all three of the questions you asked to give you three worthless answers.
First Question: Doug, why do people seem to bother George so much? People yell at him running and now biking. Is it because all of those people are fat and jealous of him exercizing? Or is it because George deserves to be made fun of?
Answer: George, you bring it upon yourself. Being annoyed is what motivates us to write, but not to read that crap. What I’m trying to say is… I don’t have time for this.
Second Question: Why are black comedians so much funnier than white comedians? Keep it truckin, whitey.
Answer: White comedians can only talk about rednecks while black comedians can talk about whatever the hell they want, and be hilarious. I think it’s genetic. Point and case, Dave Chappelle. P.S. I hear he got 40 mill for 2 more seasons of his self titled show. P.P.S. I hate white people.
Third Question: Hey, one of my close friends asked me to go see the village with him. Is he asking me out on a date? I don’t think this is a very date-like movie?? I want to go out with him but I dont know what he wants. Thanks!!
Answer: Not that you care anymore, because you did write this question about 2 weeks ago. But, because I am under contract, allow me to do a professional profiling of your “guy” friend.
Chuck Norris “Guy” Friend Profile:
Alpha Rating: 7.3
Delta Score: 2.3
Theta Range: 88-92
Thank you, Chuck Norris.
And now for a little in depth explanation of the CNGF Profile. Now this model assumes your guy friend either has proficiency in ladder-jumping or wife-beating. For the sake of argument, lets just say your friend is familiar with the former, instead of the latter. This suggests, based on empirical evidence, that he most certainly wants to hook up with you (close Alpha rating to 8). However, his Delta score, or his “will” to hook up may be quite low. Now, I would need a bit more information to accurately asses the psyche of your guy friend, but a useful indicator is how he asked. Did he ask you to go to the movie online, on the phone, in person (alone), or in person (in a group)? I would suggest going to this movie to see how interested he truly is. When you get to the theater, did he pay for you, where did you sit (front row, deep back), did the popcorn have a funny taste? Unless your guy friend is unstable, nothing will happen on the first night. Chances are he is testing the waters. I suggest boiling his hands off. But if you to like this guy, as more than a friend, please, don’t kick him in the head. A good rule of thumb is, if a guy has an ego, it is because his head has swelled from the blunt force trauma of being kicked in the head. For more information, please view, www.intellectualwhores.com.
That’s all for this week, tune in, in two weeks, and miss next weeks’ episode of, ASK DOUG!
Originally written by Doug on 04 Aug 2004.
No time for introductions, for those of you not familiar with this series, please refer to the “Ask Doug Vol. 1″ (or whatever it was called). One week off, and the mail has been piling up. I’ve picked the ones with money hanging out, so let’s get started.
Question Number 1: What was the best thing about going to Wegman’s tonight? (sorry it’s a crappy question- i’ll think of a better one later)
Answer: You are correct. That was a crappy question. I have yet to receive your follow-up, b*tch.
Question Number 2: Dougo, do these pants make me look fat?
Answer: It is in your ego’s best interest that I refrain from answering.
Question Number 3: Yo Doug, who is more scum? American immigrants who do not speak a lick of English, or fat people? Keep on truckin.
Answer: This is a very good question.
While America has no official language, I believe it goes without saying that you limit your own opportunities by not learning English. Sure, I get pissed off when I can’t order a meal at a fast food joint now and again. I think everyone has experienced some sort of misunderstanding. However, I remind you that generally when I speak to very southern Americans, I don’t understand them either. This brings about the smile and nod approach to communication. A general rule of thumb would be, if you can’t understand them, tune them out. If this means denying them urgent medical care, or a hamburger at Wendy’s, I say go for it. If they don’t adapt I suppose it is their loss. Its not that they are scum, they are just crappy human beings. I pity them in a completely unconstructive way.
Fat people indeed are scum. Now you won’t see me writing 10 articles for gimme-five about Atkins or fat people, but that’s because I don’t write articles. Fat people truly are the scum of the earth. Especially American fat people. I’m not referring to the 211 lbs(?) Benjamin Ingham body type, nor am I referring to the Sinclair Seavey belly. I’m talkin about straight up, rat soup eatin FAT PEOPLE.
Let me give you some simple scenarios, and see if you come to the same conclusion. Marcus, I know you’ve been through some of these in Mass, so pay attention.
1) You are on a bus/subway. You legs are tired from doin hookers all day and you want to sit down. There are two seats left on the bus/train. One next to a guy who doesn’t speak English, and the other next to a fat lady, who’s rolls overflow into the open seat leaving only half of it exposed. Which do you choose?
2) You need cheap labor. Cheaper than minimum wage in fact. The job involves heavy labor, and needs to be completed quickly (before the cops show up). Two people respond to your wanted ad in the Herndon Connection, a non english speaker, and a fat guy. Whom do you choose?
A final though I had when coming up with that last scenario, I tend not to see American immigrants who are fat. I suppose my hypothesis would be that they get enough exercise running away from cops and customs… But hey, not a sermon, just a thought.
That’ll do it for this episode. Once I receive enough “sweetened” emails, I’ll post again. Until then, put yo weight on it for the Disco Godfather!
-Doug
